Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
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love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
how much for the angry fruit?
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do