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Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY