PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
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I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.