VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Customize Your Wedding.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
also my go-to takeaway order
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka