Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
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Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”