I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
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[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
🤣could you imagine
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.