In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
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When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*