[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
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I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.