Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
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If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Always the camel, never the toe.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
fly smarter, not harder
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.