got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
You Might Also Like
why no one uses midhusbands
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.