My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
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See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face