Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
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My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest