I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
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Always 🥴
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Finally, an explanation.