Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
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I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I am yelling
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.