My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
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Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
i now pronounce you bounced.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.