“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
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(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
lmfao come on
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.