One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
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add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!