[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
You Might Also Like
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
They did not think through this water fountain
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.