My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
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Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”