If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
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*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.