Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
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I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this