netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
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The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?