If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
How to find Kentucky on a map
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.