[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
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A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
gm
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I’ll be mad as hell!
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
thank god the sign was there
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental