‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
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Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup