The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
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“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.