Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking