“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
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I think they could have phrased this better
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
#damn
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?