[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
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“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
We found love in a hopeless place.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen