I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
You Might Also Like
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.