Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
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Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*