I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
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Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.