[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
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whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth