Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
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Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.