The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
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If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*