I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
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Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.