ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
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Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Britain be like
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.