Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
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One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.