you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING