I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
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Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Guys, I found it.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock