*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
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TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.