When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
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HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Ovenable?
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.