My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
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Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
thanksgiving in nutshell
My boss called in sick of me
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.