Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
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Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
how to exercise your calf muscles
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
seems like a niche market
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.