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I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Its a hippotatomus
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Not😆🤣
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]