Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
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Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Called it
The point of your 20s
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine