[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
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It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
That’s what I call a flat tire
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill