Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
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“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.