Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
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Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.