The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
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So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*